Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
