Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
