Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
third nipple confirmed
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
