You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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