Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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