We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
