there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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