I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
