I faked an abortion last night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
