Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
