my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
