Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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