Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
