I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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