naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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