Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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