I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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