Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
