Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
