Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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