maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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