he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I got inside last night via doggy door
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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