Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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