And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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