My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
