remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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