I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
