I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
