Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
