I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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