Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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