i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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