I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
