she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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