He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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