pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
