It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
