I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I FOUND THE LEGS
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
