I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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