Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
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I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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