I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
