I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
