Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
