that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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