thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize