Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
sarcasm needs its own font
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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