Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
