his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
