put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
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i think i have two assholes
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
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I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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