Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
