i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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