Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
