just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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