The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
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In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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