I want to stick my p in your. b.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
