it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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