Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
