I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
