We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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