here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
