dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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